Top Ten: Stupid Things People Say When You Have Cancer
1. But you don't look sick.
Well, you're right. You can't see most tumors. You can't see pain. My daughter has Bi Polar Disorder. Can you see that? Because she doesn't have it tattooed to her forehead, does that mean she doesn't struggle with her symptoms or that she doesn't have to take medications every single day? I work really hard to cover up my pale skin and dark eye circles. I wear clothes that minimize my physical symptoms. And, oh yeah, I DON'T HAVE BOOBS! Thank you for the compliment, but how the hell do I not look sick when I'm missing body parts?
2. That's the good kind.
Really? There's a good kind of cancer? I am really lucky, and I count my lucky stars every day that my cancer was treatable, but I promise you that no cancer is good. It sucks! It sucks a lot! And every single person who has breast cancer has a different treatment plan. Comparably, I have been very fortunate, but guess what? I had cancer. At 45. And . . . now . . . I HAVE NO BOOBS!
3. I know exactly how you feel.
OK. Unless you have had breast cancer, I promise you don't know how I feel. Unless the love of your life walked away three days after you were diagnosed with a life changing illness, you truly don't know how I feel. Telling me about when you had pnuemonia or the time you had your appendix out really isn't the same. Telling me about your ex or the bad date you had might be funny and make me laugh, but I'm pretty sure it's not equal to my experience. Yes, we have all had health issues or difficult times, but until you hear the words, "You have cancer," you pretty much can't get to where I'm at. But, thank you for commiserating. Empathy is awesome, and please share your experiences with me if you have had breast cancer. Now, that's helpful! And . . . um . . . do you have boobs? Well, I DON"T!
4. Let me tell you about my ________________ who died of cancer.
Oh yeah. Thanks for that. Telling me about your aunt, your uncle, your grandma, and so on and so on who died because they had cancer is very uplifting -- NOT! Every type of cancer has a different prognosis and treatment plan. If your aunt or your uncle or whoever had cancer ten years ago, treatments were no where near as advanced as they are now. Every doctor is different. Insurance is different. I'm not going to die. My boobs tried to kill me, but I win!
5. Really? You get new boobs? I'm so jealous?
No you're not. You're really, really not. Major surgery. Six months of recovery. Then, I start the process all over. I will never have nipples again. I am incredibly thankful that I will have reconstruction and that I will feel human again, but my new boobs won't feel the same as real boobs. That goes for how I feel as a woman, how it feels to be touched, and how it feels to touch them. No you are not jealous. I pray that you never have to go through this.
6. Everything happens for a reason.
For what purpose did I get cancer? What was the plan here? And whose plan was that? Tell me so I can punch them in the nose. Yes, I have learned some very valuable lessons, but that's attitude. Yes, blessings have come out of this journey, but that's positivity. There is no rhyme or reason to cancer.
7. You need a better doctor.
Unless you have been in my doctors' offices with me, don't judge. I have the most amazing team of medical personnel a person could ask for. If it weren't for my nurse practioner, Lisa Brown, I would never have been diagnosed. I thank God for her insight! My oncologist is working with me to give me the best treatment and to monitor my body for the next 5 - 10 years. I see her every six months and have full body scans to make sure the cancer isn't coming back. I take the most up to date medications, and she referred me to my other awesome doctors. My naturopathic doctor keeps me healthy in my day to day life . . . nutrition, energy, exercise, recovery. He's the man! And I had an awesome surgeon! My scars are beautiful and healing well. Just because I chose to use a medical team here in the valley, doesn't mean that I don't have the best doctors. And, let's be honest, ultimately, my care is my choice. My team rocks!
8. You're so lucky that you got time off work.
I would much rather have time off and enjoy that time. Here's why I'm off. My body hasn't learned it's new normal. I have pain every day. I'm tired most of the time. I'm not vacationing. I'm recovering. My pay is cut almost in half, because I have to pay for a substitute that doesn't exist. My position does not require a substitute, but it's a union thing. So, I'm paying over $3,000 a month to pay for an invisible person. Oh yay! I'm off work. Good times. Wanna trade? I'll go to work for you, make money, and actually pay my bills. You can have your boobs cut off, take pain meds, and try to hold your food down everyday. How's that sound?
9. At least they caught it early, and you didn't have to have chemo.
YES! Thank the good lord! However, when people say this to me, it feels so minimizing. I no longer have natural breasts, and I'm enduring the effects of Lymphedema in all its glory. Scars, drain scars, pain, fluid build up. No I don't need chemo, but I still struggle. I still can't sweep, mop, rake, vacuum, scrub anything with my right arm, or do pushups. I'm sure my neighbors love my messy yard. It hurts to blow out my hair, play with my dogs, and cook. Absolutely, others have it much worse than I do, but understand that cancer is cancer, and it all sucks!
10. It's all going to work out just fine.
Is there any other choice? It either will or it won't, right? However, at 45, I'm starting over again. This is not fun. This stinks big poopy piles of crap. Will I be fine? I don't know. Behind on my bills because of pay cut, single again, body is completely different, no cure for the Lymphedema, more surgery to come. How do you know it will be fine if I don't even know? If you are a fortune teller, that's awesome! Read my tarot cards, and tell me what my future holds. Otherwise, just be there, because some days it isn't fine. Some days, nothing at all is fine. Some days, life is fabulous! Be there for those days too.