Let's explore this together, or maybe not if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm going to do it anyway. So there.
1. Do I need physical interaction right now?
2. Am I ready to date?
3. Have I learned any valuable lessons that will help me make wise decisions?
4. What do I need to work on?
5. Am I healthy?
6. Do I know who I am?
7. How open minded am I?
8. Am I willing to wait?
1. Do I need physical interaction right now?
There are so many other physical things I need to concentrate on at this moment in time. My right scar still isn't closed and healed. I may have to have surgery on that side to remove the dead tissue and to repair the hole. I may have to have my remaining ovary removed. I'm still sick some days with low grade fevers, fatigue, and pain. The cancer is not there anymore, but I'm still healing. On top of that, in case you haven't heard, I have no boobs. Once everything is healed, I will have to have reconstructive surgery. This is a bitch from what I understand and takes several months. It's not like a lift or a breast augmentation. The surgeons will rebuild my breasts from scratch, stretching skin, running tubes through my body, and all sorts of fun and games.
I've learned from the various relationships in my life that I don't need to go out and look for a mate. The right person only comes along when the timing is right and when I'm ready. So, I will be patient. Another great lesson cancer has taught me. Waiting is sometimes the only thing we can do, and I'm getting pretty darn good at it.
Therefore, sex is not a necessity at this very moment. I can wait until the time is right.
2. Am I ready to date?
The honest truth is that dating scares the crap out of me. I was recently invited to a Lindsay High School Alumni Fifth Quarter. The thought of going there alone and not knowing anybody terrifies me. I haven't RSVP'ed yet, because I don't know if I'm ready to be that outgoing single girl again. I know it will have to happen at some point. I will have to leave the house alone and go out in public by myself. At 45, it makes sense that I have very few single firends. Most of my girl pals have figured out this love thing a long time ago.
All that aside, yes. I'm ready to put the past behind me. If someone who meets my expectations comes walking up out of the clear blue sky, I'm in . . . not because of sex. I'm not that girl. I never have been. But because of companionship. Because my kids are growing up, and they won't always be here. Because I have a lot to share, and I would love to share that with someone who adores me.
3. Have I learned any valuable lessons that will help me make wise decisions?
Oh good grief! Every relationship has taught me something incredibly important. I could write a book just on the lessons I have learned from dating men. Here's a list of just a few lessons I've learned.
* If a man cheats on you once, he will do it again. Don't date cheaters.
* If a man hits you, he will hit you again. Don't date abusers.
* Emotional and mental abuse are just as bad or worse than physical abuse. Only date someone who wishes the best for you.
* I am my own person. If a man wants to change me or distrusts me, I don't need to be with him. I am good enough just like I am.
* If a man expects you to pay for everything, he's a user. Run away!
* If a man wants sex on the first date, he doesn't want ME. He wants sex. Period.
* Trust your instincts.
* Be open.
* Don't judge someone's past. We all have one.
* Get rid of the walls. It is OK to let someone get to know me. I'm a pretty cool chick!
4. What do I need to work on?
Just because I'm a good person doesn't mean that there's not room for improvement. There is always something new to learn and something that I can do better. Right now, I think I would like to work on being self-assured. Confidence is sexy.
5. Am I healthy?
Breast cancer aside, I try my best to be healthy. I eat healthy, and I don't overeat, but I also enjoy food. A little dark chocolate every now and then never hurt anyone. I like a glass of wine or maybe two from time to time. Everything in moderation. I can't work out like I want to, but you better believe as soon as I get the go ahead, I will be honing this body. I am walking every day, because I am allowed to do that. Starting next week, I'm going to add a little bit of strength training (lower body, of course since I still have an open wound in my chest).
6. Do I know who I am?
Over the past year, I have explored this idea, and I believe that I am finally at a place where I know that I am a talented and unique individual. I am artistic. I am worthy of love, and I am a nurturer. I have a saying that I use to remind myelf of my importance in the world: I am a human BEing. Not a human DOing. I have value, because I am. I find comfort and meditation in cleaning my house. I love to create with words and images. I love to be outside. I am a spiritual person, and I am beautiful. I know who I am. I know the lessons that my past was meant to teach me. I know what I want. I know what I enjoy. I know I am deserving of all good things.
7. How open minded am I?
Since I'm not looking for a mate or a partner right now, I think I'm totally open minded. I'm not trying to keep people away, but I'm not searching for anyone either. I have no expectations. What a brilliant position to be in. It's freeing and peaceful.
8. Am I willing to wait?
Shoot! I think that's what I've done most of my life. I waited until I was 23 to have children. Looking back now, I was so young, but I had a career and a home before we started our family. I waited for my ex husband to get his shit together so that we could be friends again and love our children together the way we should. Took freaking 18 years, but it happened. I waited until I was 26 to go to college. I was older, and this made my education ever so much more valuable, because I knew what was at stake. I waited until I was 30 to begin the career that I was meant to do. I'm 45 and still waiting for true love. I've felt love, but that unconditional kind of love where you make a decision every day to work through the bad times and cherish the good times together. Yeah. That one, I'm still waiting for.
Will I ever have sex again? The chances are that I will. I'm still young. I'm still healthy. However, there's no rush. I have stuff to do.
Just a little side note:
Last night I got to enjoy the company of some amazing people. Stephen Sanchez, my junior high school Spanish teacher, was here visiting along with Frank and Kathy Schiro who were both my teachers and then my colleagues as well. After meeting them, my son said that he felt like he had been in the company of geniuses. I told him that he had just met some of the most brilliant, kind people I have ever known. What a great night! At the table there were three cancer survivors. It was inspiring, and I am motivated to do bigger and greater things, because these people support who I am. They have added to this world. They make a difference, and I want to do the same.
What is love? Everything that is not fear. That's what love is. -- Sue Erb