When I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, I was pissed. Why me? I am the only one in my family to have this disease. I am still young. I have lived a healthy and active life. I am single, for God's sake. How do I live the rest of my life looking like a freak? How do I ever trust that I am healthy and OK again? What if it comes back? How the hell do I believe that a loving God that a loving universe would let this happen?
The day before my dad died, I took off work to help my mom take him to the doctor. My mom called the doctor's office, and they told her they couldn't fit him in. She started to cry, so I took the phone and told the receptionist that it was imperative that he come in. She told me the doctor was booked. I told her that my dad was having chest pain, and I feared that it was his heart. So, she scheduled him with the PA and promised me that the doctor would come in if it looked serious. I had to lift my dad, my strong, independent dad into a wheelchair just to get him to the car. He felt humiliated that I had to do this for him. I wheeled him into that doctor's office, but I didn't go into the room with him, because my mom was with him. I have huge guilt that I didn't go into that room and demand to see his doctor. My dad was too weak to advocate for himself, and my mom was too worried to fight. The PA told us that he had bronchitis. She told us to stop giving him aspirin and to have him use an inhaler and cough medicine. My mom and dad never got to see the doctor. To be honest, we were so relieved that it was something curable that we just did as she said. We took him home. He wanted his aspirin, because his chest hurt. My mom said, "No," because that it what the PA told her to do. We gave him his inhaler instead. The truth is, he was having heart attacks even in that doctor's office. I am still so angry that it boils out of me and washes over me like a flood. That woman let my dad die. Just a few hours later, we lost him. How do I deal with this anger?
Here's how we deal. We pick up one foot, set it down, pick up the other, set it down, and we keep moving. We live our lives so that we make our loved ones proud. We live our lives so that we can look in the mirror and make ourselves proud. And we move through the anger. We don't pretend like it's not there, but we don't live in it. If you never acknowledge the anger, it eats at you. It lives in you. You MUST let it out and let it go.
So be angry. Let it out! Scream! Kick! Cuss! Fume! Then, breathe.
There is still more happiness, more light, and more love to come. I promise. There is always more.