I started thinking about my life. It's funny how the milestones in my life are so balanced between good and bad. Fabulous childhood with loving parents. Domestic abuse. Raising my kids on my own. My daughter being diagnoed with Bipolar Disorder. Completing my education while working and raising my children. Bankruptcy. Buying my own house and getting engaged to the love of my life. Cancer and the loss of my relationship. Can you see the balance?
So when I asked myself am I attractive, I had to first explore what attractive means. It is simply my physical appearance? Is it the type of men I attract? Is it my personality? I think it's so much more than these things. I went online and took a bunch of those cute little personality quizzes about how attractive I am, but none of them seemed to get to the meat of the issue. So, I made my own quiz.
Please feel free to take the quiz. There are no answers. No scale from 1 - 10. This is an exploration to find attractiveness within ourselves, in our own eyes. I'm posting my answers at the end, because, well, this is my blog. Don't cheat and skip to the end. If you read my answers first, I might get in your head, and I might just stay there. Scary, huh?
1. Are you an attention seeker?
2. Are you open minded?
3. Do you have a limited vocabulary?
4. Are you confident?
5. Do you have pizzazz?
6. Are you a happiness finder?
7. Do you gossip?
8. Are you a stalker?
9. Are you a husband hunter?
10. Are you selfish?
11. Is everything about you?
12. Are you a trash talker?
13. Are you lazy?
14. Are you dependent on others?
15. Do you complain constantly?
16. Do you help others?
17. Do you base your self worth on what others think of you?
18. Do you do things because other people think it's cool?
19. Are you a poser?
20. Are you honest?
1. Are you an attention seeker?
I'm usually the quiet one in the bunch. I enjoy sitting back and enjoying my surroundings rather than being the center of attention. I usually wear black or gray (with fabulous shoes, of course). If I want attention, I'm usually subtle in getting it. Proximity, facial expressions, gestures. I like this about me. People who hog the spotlight generally annoy me. In fact, attention seekers usually don't get any attention from me at all, because I find them unattractive in their need to be noticed.
2. Are you open minded?
I definitely know what I like. I know what type of music I like (there are a variety of genres), I know what I believe politically and religiously, and I know what I find to be beautiful and artistic. However, I thoroughly enjoy learning about other people's beliefs and ideas. I do not dislike others, because their ideas are different from mine. I feel no need to agree, but I also feel no need to judge. And, yes, sometimes, I learn something new that I make my own. I'm not afraid of being my own person, but I'm not afraid of growing either. To be close minded is to be synonymous to being stuck up. Does anyone really find this kind of conceit attractive?
3. Do you have a limited vocabulary?
Come on, now. I'm and English major. I have more ostentatious terminology in my lexicon than one of those preposterously stupid chihuahuas that frequent the center line of Tulare Road have fleas.
I think the real importance here is that I do on occasion cuss. However, every other word is not four-lettered. I know how to have a conversation in different settings, and I know when it is appropriate and when it is inappropriate to let loose with a "fuck" or a "shit." No one likes a prude. However, people who have no control over their language often have little control over other important aspects of their lives.
4. Are you confident?
I struggle with this one. However, the older I get, the more confident I become. I know that I am intelligent. I find myself stinking hysterical. I know how to groom myself and put together an outfit. My issue is that I often questions myself. Am I good enough? What a ridiculous question when you really think about it. Good enough for what? Good enough for who? In the end, we die alone. I am the only one that really matters. I have to be good enough for me. If another person doesn't see me as good enough, they don't know me. As long as I do everything the best that I can, there is no reason to feel insecure. I will work on this confidence thing starting today. No pity parties. No fishing for compliments.
5. Do you have pizzazz?
I have never been one of the flock. I seek to be me in all circumstances. I find my place in a group, and I do everything with a bit of artistic flair. This is what makes me happy . . . creativity and art in its many forms (writing, drawing, painting, music, discovering the best ways to learn and teach, setting up an environmet). I want to practice finding my creative center so that this happiness pours out of my very being. No need to be a cartoon character in order to live with spunk.
6. Are you a happiness finder?
I know that here on my blog, I sometimes talk about the bad days, but in general I try my very best not to spread negativity. I believe that my purpose in this world is to make positive change. Therefore, in all situations, I look for the silver lining. I find happiness even in the midst of very difficult circumstances. My hope is that people who hear my story will see that I'm human. That I have tough days, but that I look for happiness and find it at every turn in the road.
7. Do you gossip?
What you say about other people is often what you believe about yourself. It's a way of projecting our insecurities. In order to love myself, I have to love other people. That means I do not talk about the shortcomings of other people. Goodness knows that I have enough of my own to explore. I don't need to judge others lives. I need only to worry about mine. And vice versa. What other people say about me is none of my business. I do not need to build my worth upon the opinions of others. Respect breeds respect, and that's attractive.
8. Are you a stalker?
I have definitely been guilty of texting my ex when I miss him. However, it is unproductive to constantly communicate with someone who is just not that into me when I could be spending my time on much more worthwhile endeavors. If someone wants to talk to you, they will. If they want to be a part of your life, they will make an effort. It's desperate and creepy to follow someone around just to catch a glimpse of them. I vow to work out my need for communication in a healthy way the next time, I feel the loss of my relationships. I will create art, I will write, or I will work on a project around the house.
9. Are you a husband hunter?
Would I like to be in a relationship? Yes! Definitely! Without a doubt! However, I also have to be OK with me. If I am constantly looking for someone to complete me, that means I'm only a half-person. I am whole. I am complete. I am worthwhile. And, I don't need someone else to make me so. In fact, if I behave as a half-person, I will attract other half-beings. Then, what do I have? Another broken relationships. That's what. I will tell myself daily that I am a good person, worthy of love, and perfectly whole all by myself.
10. Are you selfish?
This is the one thing that I really like about myself. I'm not being conceited here. I'm just saying that I wouldn't change this about myself. I am a nurterer by nature. I don't know how I got this way. It has always been a part of my makeup. I take care of others. My friends say that I collect stray children the way I collect stray animals. I have an abundance of both. This has been a hardship in some of my past relationships, but it something that I'm not willing to change about myself. I think it makes me a good person. What I have to watch for is the type of people I attract because of this. I tend to attract people who want me to take care of them. So, the queston may not be as much about if I'm attractive as it is what I'm attracting.
11. Is everything about you?
Oh yeah. There are days when I'm a big ol' baby, because I have no boobs. There are days when I want the boys do to take care of me, and I want my mommy, but most of the time, I am about others. From my career to my lifestyle, I am constantly looking for ways to support and uplift those around me. So, I guess the lesson here is that I need to turn those days and moments where I'm feeling that I should be the center of the universe into moments of focusing on others and figuring out how I can be an inspiration.
12. Are you a trash talker?
I think there is a big difference between sharing a troubling situation with a friend and talking bad about someone. We all know that I write about all the struggles that this disease has brought me, but everyone should know that I still love my ex fiance as much as I did before this diagnosis changed our lives. Do I wish he had made different decisions? You betcha! Does that make him a bad person? No.
13. Are you lazy?
Oh my gosh! I drive my family crazy with my motivation to work on the job and at home. It has been a real challenge for me to take it easy and heal. I am passionate about my career, and can't wait to get back to it. I am passionate about cleaning my house and working on it. I clean every single day. Well, not right now. Right now, I do a lot of sitting around. But, I will be back at it in no time!
14. Are you dependent on others?
People who can't go anywhere alone are downers. I am totally the opposite. If I want to do something, I do it. I might invite my daughter along, but I might just go alone. I am going to a party tonight. Guess who I'm taking? Me, myself, and I. I am so independent that this can also annoy others. I have a tendency to do everything myself and not let others in. Now, I need to remember that balancing act. I have to find a happy middle where I know that I can do everything but that I don't have to do everything on my own.
15. Do you complain constantly?
Don't you hate it when someone just puts themself down all the time in every conversation? I'm not a self pity kind of person. I like to think that I'm badass and super strong. Pity is definitely not the way to attract others. I wonder . . . does that mean I can't joke about my body changes? I'll have to think about that one.
16. Do you help others?
Friendship is a two way street. When a friend helps you out, you have to e there for them when they need you. The opposite is also true. When you help out a friend, you have to let them help you out too. It makes people feel good. When you feel good, you radiate beauty.
17. Do you base your self worth on what others think of you?
No one likes it when someone says something mean about you, but that doesn't mean you have to base your life decisions on what others think. I try to focus on the good things that people say about me and let the rest go. I can't change someone else's way of thinking, but I can decide how I let it affect me. Don't like me? A lot of people don't. Don't care. Love me? Great! A lot of people do, and I love you right back!
18. Do you do things because other people think it's cool?
In my younger days, I think I was sometimes guilty of this. However, I'm a pretty big nerd, and I don't care who knows it. I try new things, because I like the adrenaline rush, I'm interested in the experience, I want to enjoy a new sensation with someone I love, or I think it's cool. IThere are some things that I have no desire to try at all, and I have no problem saying, "No, thank you."
19. Are you a poser?
I have no problem telling someone, "I don't know." I've learned more about life and about things I never even thought of, because I was able to be open and say that I am willing to learn. On the other hand, I'm pretty passionate about my interests. If you ask me about the Dodgers, I'll tell you that Jackie Robinson debuted with the Dodgers in 1947 and that Don Drysdale ranks second in Dodger history. Ask me about education, and I'll tell you about performance based systems, multiple forms of assessment, and the importance of personalization. Ask me about metal music and we can talk about we can talk about everything from the antecedents to the birth of metal. We can talk about electric blues all the way back to Willie Johnson to today's great newcomers like The Acacia Strain or Avatar and anything in between.
20. Are you honest?
I went on a blind date one time. One of the first things the guy told me was that he would never date a woman who has tattoos. So, I turned around showed him my shoulder and told him thank you very much for the coffee, but I'll be going now. There is no reason to be anybody other than who I am. I am flawed, but I am a good person.
If I go back and analyze my answers, I have some work to do, but I'm pretty damn attractive. Whew! That was a lot of work, but getting through grief to the other side where happiness lives usually is.