I can't even tell you how happy I am to see 2018 go. I'm always nostalgic this time of year, but this year, I don't want to slow down and enjoy the holiday. I just want to be done with it.
2018 was the year I lost my dad. It was the year that my daughter was so sick in the hospital that I had one of those "what if" moments. You know the ones where you think, "What if she isn't OK?" Janie's tough, so it was just a moment, but it was there, and it sucked. It was the year that someone I love lost everything in one of the California wildfires. It was the year that my son had to fight his demons. Because of all of this, as we roll into Christmas time, I can't help but embrace the darkness of winter.
I'm not being a whiny baby here. Really, I'm not. I am honoring the darkness. Without the grief, without the struggle, we can't recognize the good and positive things in life.
The Winter Solstice reminds us that even in the darkest of days, the promise of the rebirth of the sun is eminent.
I think we all need to honor the struggles, the sadness, and the darkness that exists all around us. When we do this, we are making a promise to ourselves that we will seek the light and we will return to the peace and joy that is our right.
Here are a few ways you can honor the darkness this season:
1) Wrap up in a warm blanket and go outside to look up at the stars and moon. Of course, you have to wait for a clear night sky to do this, but we do have those in the Central Valley from time to time.
2) Turn off the TV and build a fire in the fireplace. Turn off all the lights and revel in the crackling of the wood, the smell of the smoke, and the sight of the dancing flames.
3) Close the blinds and sleep in. Can't sleep in, just lounge in bed an extra half hour before you get out of bed. No TV, no cell phone. Just snuggle up and let your body wake up slowly.
4) Write down all of your feelings. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Let yourself feel the sorrow of missing someone. Let yourself be angry at something that hurt. Let yourself be scared. Then, let yourself be happy, brave, silly. Just completely let go and FEEL.
5) Take a candle lit bath.
6) Write a poem about something you fear. Here's one that Janie wrote years ago. It's a little macabre, but yet, it's beautiful.
I Wonder
by Janie Lane
I wonder why we are put in a box when we die.
I wonder what kind of person invented these claustrophobic coffins.
I wonder why we are destined to lie under marble rocks and fake floral fixtures.
I wonder where the tradition comes from.
I wonder if we have a choice.
Sometimes, people are afraid of the dark parts of our world whether it be physical or emotional. Remember, though, the darkness is just as natural as the light. It is not something to be feared.
As I approach my first Christmas without my dad, I am letting myself remember all the amazing years that I was able to celebrate with him, and I am letting myself miss him so much that my heart feels like it will literally break. Both the memories and the grief are good.
Don't fear the dark, my friends. There is comfort there. There is peace there. And, I promise, on the other side of the night, there is always the dawn.
Happy Winter Solstice.