That's just not how it works, folks. No amount of bargaining will take pain out of this existence. Pain and loss are a part of what it means to be human. There are still days that I wake up and think that it's all been a nightmare and that my dad is really still here, sitting in his recliner at home watching his westerns. There are still days that I wake up and think that when I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I'll have my whole body there in the reflection. I'm wrong of course. Nothing I can do or say can ever bring back either of those things.
I've had way more than my fair share of the let's make a deal situations the past few years. While I was waiting for the biopsy results to come back four years ago, I remember begging. Don't let this be cancer. If the results come back negative, I will work extra hard to not stress over the unimportant stuff. I will absolutely be appreciative for time with my family. Guess what. That didn't work, but I did learn to focus on the important and to let the unnecessary go. While I was sitting in that room waiting for the doctor to come give us an update on my dad, I begged to trade places with him. I've been through the realization that life is fleeting, and I'm at peace with the fact that life is fleeting. My mom needs him. My family needs him Guess to stay here. Guess what. Yep, you guessed it. That didn't work either. I had to let my dad go, and I had to stay.
I've been battling with it again the last few weeks. You know as well as I do that as we get older there is a lot more maintenance that goes into staying healthy. I've had progressing arthritis for several years, but I put it on the back burner while I fought cancer. However, the pain has become unbearable. I often can't sleep, my art and jewelry making has really slacked off, and you may have noticed that I write my blog less often. All of that is due to the pain and difficulty moving my hands. I can't even clap anymore. So, the bargaining began. If I go back to physical therapy, don't make me have to have surgery. If I take my Glucosamine every day, let the pain at least be bearable. If I wear my braces every day, let my hand get stronger so that I don't have to spend my time going to doctor appointments. Yeah . . . no. Bargaining might work at yard sales, but it doesn't work with your life. I will be having surgery to replace the basal joints in my hands. Both of them. I'm coming to terms with the idea. I'm young enough that if I do it now, I will have many more years of full use of my hands. Something that I am very grateful for.
What's your point, Marla? you may be asking. Here it is:
Don't let the bargaining take over your life. Face each ugly, difficult, beautiful, aching part of it. It's what connects us to each other. Every single one of us will lose something. We'll lose a job that we adore, we'll lose a piece of who we are, or we'll lose someone we love, and yet, we'll be more whole because of it. It's through loss that we are able to appreciate memories. It's through the darkness that we learn to be grateful for the light.